The Duchess

What is in a name you ask?

I will never forget the first naive time that I threw away my birth control pills and did the deed. I just knew that this was it, my whole life was going to be different, I was going to get pregnant immediately and while this thought was both exciting and scary I knew I was ready. Well as many of you know that was 134,064,561 cycles ago or July 1st of 2005.

Right away we began talking about names and making plans for our eventual offspring. I realized very quickly that Duke and I have very different ideas when it comes to naming a child. I like names with meaning behind them or a cool story or perhaps a favorite family member. Duke prefers something edgy and in the now but not too edgy, things like Pierce or Rescha (not even sure how to spell it but pronounced Ree-shaw) both perfectly fine names, if you don't live in a very small town where most children have never heard the name Pierce without it being associated with earrings.

Over time, as we have had plenty, we whittled the list down to two sets of names, one for a boy and one for a girl. We held on to these names through all the negatives, through the loss, through the breakdown and the eventual remodel of our marriage. The names were ones we had put thought into, perhaps I am over thinking the whole name thing but to me it is one of the most important first decisions you make as a parent. Your name is most likely with you forever and many people have very strong associations about/with names.

I think we really finalized the names we wanted right before our loss in 2006, when my sister-in-law announced she was pregnant and due the following August and we were all gathered as a family on 4th of July 2007 she was asking what we thought of various names and I made the largest mistake of opening my mouth and saying that the Only name that Duke and I agreed on was Lauren. Lauren Grace to be exact, I went on and on (blame the wine) about how beautiful it flowed with our last name and it was feminine while being strong and how the sound of it just made me happy.

I can't say for sure when or where my sister-in-law decided to name her child but her name is Lauren Elizabeth and she is beautiful, happy and sweet. I could lie and say it didn't hurt but it broke a small piece of my heart. It was one more thing being taken away from me because I didn't win the big baby race, when in fact I couldn't even enter my body in the qualifying event. I cried privately for that loss not wanting the Duke to know how much it bothered me. Not wanting others to think I was a poor sport or so bitter that I couldn't be happy for another person’s fortune. It never occurred to me that Duke may have been upset by this until one night when we were watching TV and he announced that should we have a daughter we would be naming her Ultimate Lauren One or Lauren the First. We laughed and I cried (as a side note several other people in my husband's family called me privately to see how I was feeling about the name) and I just figured that when the time came we would somehow find a name that made us as happy as that one.

I know that we don't know the sex of the baby yet, my hunch however is girl, and I have become rather obsessed with finding an alternative name should it really turn out to be a girl. I didn't realize how much so until I read Carole's post yesterday and was leaving a comment and all of my old anger and bitterness came bubbling to the top. Duke and I discussed it over brunch today and he says what the hell we can name her Lauren if we want to. In fact I believe he said he would dare anyone in his family to say a single word about it.

As with every other decision in my life Internets I am asking you, are two children named Lauren too much for one family? I should say that we do not see his sister often, usually not more than four times a year and in the two years we have lived in Southern Oregon(where her mother and father live) they have never come to our home. So here are my questions:

Has anyone ever used a name they know you love?

Would you still use that name if you are not close with that person?

Do you have any names to throw into our hat (that you will not be using of course...I am slightly sensitive to that)?

Thank you in advance for the assvice, I absolutely love it.

I never said math was my strong point

So, uhh I am 14 weeks today...not last week...major bummer to lose a week but only 10 weeks to the edge of viability. We are thinking of changing OB's from Doc Stoic (we are so not happy to see you #34567983645) to Doc...Well I will work on a name for him. He wears bow ties and cuff links everyday and I find that sweet, also he does not talk to me like I am stupid which would be a nice change from what I am getting at the other place. To prove my point I will now reenact a phone conversation with Doc Stoic's office this week.

Duchess: Hi, sorry to bother you but all of a sudden I am not puking but my cramps are so bad that I can't sit up.

Stoic: Great we will call you back (in like ten hours or when we have nothing better to do)

D: Hello

S: Hello Duchess, I have spoken with the Doc and he says we aren't worried so you shouldn't be either.

D: Well here is the thing bitch I was concerned enough to call you so perhaps you could give me some possible causes/solutions for the cramping.

S: Just relax and I am sure it will pass, if you’re still feeling bad in a day or two give us a ring.

While I am sure it really was nothing (cramps have faded and nausea is still there but much milder) I don't enjoy being talked to like I know nothing or as though I am some kid who just managed to get knocked up and has no idea about what reproduction really is or entails. I feel like shouting Have You EVER Read My Chart over and over every time I have to have an interaction with them. I am not exactly new to the gynecological block and I would prefer to be part of a practice that takes that into consideration.

In other news my mother is coming to visit me this weekend! She has not been to visit since the Great Ectopic of 2006; I am very excited to show her around and take her to brunch and just spend quality time with her.

I really am trying to get back into writing, I just feel weird writing about pregnancy on a site that was about not being pregnant. I don't know how much to say and I would hate to indirectly hurt someone who is actively in the trenches of infertility. On the other hand I remember wanting to read every last thing about some of my favorite bloggers when they were pregnant, holding on to the hope that I would be in that boat someday sailing towards something bright and sunny and away from the storm, I guess I am trying to say thank you for your patience while I navigate this new and wonderfully scary path in my life.

Alive and maybe kicking

Sorry for my lack of posting, things have been rolling right along around here. I am 14w1d, I am showing now and some of the vomiting has started to subside, the nausea is still here but manageable when combined with phenergan. I had my second OB appointment on Monday and everything looks good I was down another two pounds bringing the total loss to 15 pounds but fear not I have gained six inches in my waist. Real pants are a thing of the past.

I have several things I want to write about; my Nanna and Poppa, the 10th anniversary of the day I was attacked, a new career move, and marriage. However at the moment I need to catch up on my goggle reader which has 174 new items, I have been a very bad clicker (sorry Mel!) and must catch up. After that I promise to return to dazzle you with my wit and charm.

An update of sorts

I apologize for my lack of updates; all is well and quiet for the most part in the kingdom. My Nanna took a very nasty fall that landed her in the ICU last week so last weekend Duke and I drove to Portland Saturday night so I could see her on Sunday. She has a shattered pelvis, broken ribs, a broken cheek bone and two separate brain bleeds that seem to have stopped on their own. She has a comfort measures only DNR and it is more than likely she will never leave the hospital. I have a lot to say about my Nanna (I know this may seem spelled wrong but in my family we spelled it Nanna and instead of Grandpa we call him Poppa) but that will be saved for another day.

I had my first regular OB appointment on Monday and as of last Saturday there has been no more bleeding - nothing! I was worried it would start again after my exam and cultures were done but there was absolutely nothing. Puking however continues to be my favorite and only pastime. I have lost about 14 pounds and this is with eating every two hours. However with that being said I can no longer button my regular pants...they are loose everywhere except my lower abdomen SO I stole Duke's jeans and while they are a little big they pass as acceptable for the time being and they are made by seven which are like my old ones.

So all in all the last week has been a little bad a little good and a lot of normal life which is a relief. Duke and I are going on vacation for 10 days starting on Tuesday, first we start with three days in Miami at this hotel and then we head to Cancun and 7 wonderful days at this resort. I am not sure the laptop situation but if I can I will update.

Have a happy Friday and a wonderful weekend.

No Words

I have tried for days to write this post and in the end I decided to check my Google reader instead. Emily at Not That You Asked has written a post about their dear friends Brian and Katie who has a beautiful 16 month old daughter who was just diagnosed, operated on and will soon begin a very invasive course of treatment. All of the details are over at Emily's and there is a huge Donate button on the left. There has already been a huge outpouring of support but as we all know there can never be enough love and in the world of medical treatments there can never be enough money. Please, please, please click over and give - whether it be kind words, prayers or monetarily.

It was a very rough week here in the kingdom, on Tuesday night I began bleeding very heavily and bright with small clots. I phoned Doc Wonder and he said if I began filling a pad every hour I was to head straight to the ER and he explained that if I started to pass tissue what I should look for and that I needed to come in first thing in the morning.

I made it through the night and when I went in the next morning we started the ultrasound - first with the screen turned away from me. To say it was tense in the room was an understatement; I don't think any of us were breathing. Doc Wonder's exhalation was actually audible and he swung the screen towards me. There was our baby bouncing around with a heart rate of 189. Moving its arm buds up to its face and kicking its tiny leg buds. I was shocked, the nurse was shocked, and the doc was shocked. He commented that the baby was picking "her"(we switch at each visit) nose to which I replied that was a Duke trait and then he said, "This is one tough kid Duchess, I have to be honest I was very worried."

Yeah, that toughness, she gets that from me.

We could find no source for the bleeding and no current blood flow going where it shouldn't be. Growth is right on track and I was sent home to relax. I am on complete vaginal rest until further notice - which I had already been on since week seven. I am officially 9w0d today and every single day feels like a small victory.

Simply the best

There are really no words to express my gratitude for all of the comments on that last post. I am trying to take a new attitude that I am doing everything I can to have a healthy and successful pregnancy. If something is going to go wrong my body will let me know, once again I am faced with the lesson of letting go of control. To be honest until Melanie commented about her friable cervix I hadn't even thought of that - I bleed after pap smears, IUI, physical exams and sometimes sex. I have had a very friable cervix in the past and I can't believe I didn't draw the line before now. This is exactly why I love comments so much.

With that being said I have written a letter to Doc Wonder about his picture comment. I fully agree again with Melanie and Julia that women whose babies are dying need pictures just as much if not more than ones who are not. If I had a penny for every time I took out the pictures of my ectopic and looked at them and thought about the time that surrounded that loss I could pay for a trip to the moon. In fact it was only right before this last cycle that I removed them from my nightstand and put them in a safer place. I still keep the small plush bear that they gave to me in the hospital on my bed - I look at it and I remember everyday. Without having these small tokens of remembrance I can promise you my grieving process would have been much different and far less complete. I wrote all that and more in my letter and while I have no doubt that he was just trying to put me at ease and meant no harm, for all I know that was a lie he told me, he needs to know that it is important and very necessary.

I am so not a fan. **Updated**

Has it really been five days since I posted? I have been so busy doing fun and exciting things such as puking and spotting that the time has just flown by. Yes, you read that correctly I am spotting again. It started on Sunday and has been getting progressively worse since then. I have an appointment with Doc Wonder in an hour. At least then we will have some answers.

**Updated**

Everything with the baby looks fine heart-rate was 173 and the baby has almost doubled in size from five days ago. There is bleeding coming from my cervix but my cervix looks fine and the ultrasound did not show any standing or free blood. My uterus was peaceful - no cramping coming from there and I was told in all likelihood that the cramping was from ligaments and ovaries. In all respects if you have to have bleeding this is the bleeding you want. Doc Wonder offered me another picture and told me that he only gives pictures when things are okay. No sense giving someone another picture of their dead/dying baby. It seemed a little harsh to say that but it was also really comforting (what can I say I like straight shooters) What I want to know is when does pregnancy gets easier? So tell me Internets, when did you relax in your pregnancy?

Worth a million words

Ultrasound #2

The ultrasound looked perfect this morning. A perfect yolk sac and bouncing baby bean with a heart rate of 153 bpm.

To say that we are thrilled is an understatement of gigantic proportions. Doc Wonder reports that the spotting is nothing and there was none visible today. I am officially being released to an OB this week. We also discussed my mounting levels of anxiety and my options at this point for handling it. I am going to try and call upon my skills of meditation and regular sleep and exercises and eating. I have been lacking in all three as of the last week and have been paying dearly with rolling anxiety/panic attacks. If I still don't have it under control at 13, 14 weeks we will talk about other options.

All in all I feel like a woman who has been pardoned. Today is a good day.

Because we share everything

I started having some spotting around 3:00 am this morning. Doc Wonder said we should still wait until tomorrow to do the ultrasound, you know because if something is going horribly wrong there is nothing they can do.

This fucking sucks.