The Duchess

I thought I needed distance

I had thought I would take a week and let a little of the fear subside that was at 27 weeks and tomorrow I will be 33w. Every time I try and sit down to write this I think to myself what is the point, the outcome was good, why dwell? Oh and how I do dwell in the dark hours when my stomach is silent and feels almost vacant.

I went to work as normal on week 27 day 3 and felt just awful, but then again what else is new when I am pregnant, the difference being that my legs were round swollen tree trunks and my head was stuck in a vice. I could hardly concentrate on anything going on because my head hurt so badly but I remember thinking when was the last time this baby moved? After I dragged my ass home and to bed nothing improved and by morning I realized it had been almost 12 hours since she had kicked, rolled, danced...moved. I called the doctor (around 9 in the morning) knowing they would send me for an NST, I had the same problem with S. and to be honest I figured I would go in they would roll their eyes and I would be on my way in an 45 minutes an hour tops.

If your new here (thanks twitter) you may not know but I had NSTs for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy first do to lack of fetal movement and then for possible PIH, this is good and bad; good in that I know almost every nurse in L&D, bad that I know when things are going downhill (or maybe that comes for being on the IF block) It started off as always with awesome nurse S. (a 20yr vet of L&D) coming in and getting the info and getting the monitor up and running and then she couldn't get the baby on the monitor.

It was silent in my stomach, sure a bowel tone here and maybe one there but it just sounded vacant, she tried for almost 10 minutes straight moving me this way that way, at this point I was calm, babies hide, 27 weekers are not always predictable on monitors I was running every story, fact, tale over and over in my head. After 12 minutes (yes I was keeping track what the hell else should I have done) she said she was going to call for ultrasound and I saw it. It was brief and just a flicker but it was pure fear on her face and then it was gone. Enter awesome nurse D. (30yr vet of L&D) and the doppler, I immediately relaxed, doppler would find the heartbeat faster than ultrasound could get off their ass and roll down the hall. D. and I were chatting as she got the goop out to put on my stomach, she had been my nurse the day I was put on modified rest during my last pregnancy so we had spent some time together, we chatted about the holidays and she fired up the dop (as I like to call it) and nothing.

Nothing.

S. came back in to say U/S was on their way and then they exchanged a look I will never forget and S. stopped mid-sentence and left the room. D. tried for 11 minutes with the doppler. 660 seconds and by second 480 when she asked if there was someone she could call to be with me I lost my shit.

It was doing the silent ugly cry where you are trying to hold it in and your whole body turns red and according to D. if I didn't start breathing I was going to be in trouble, my own heart rate was in the 180's as though if I could just make mine beat harder hers would be found.

The next thing I knew my doctor (Doc Bowtie) was in the room and seconds later the u/s machine showed up, I was trying to calm down telling myself there was nothing I could do falling apart at this moment wasn't going to change the outcome. There was nothing I could do, I must have repeated that a hundred times over in my head.

DocBowtie found her but could not locate the heartbeat, she was turned all weird D. and S. were holding hands, it was another seven or so minutes before he was able to (thanks old u/s machine may you be taken outside and put down office space style) actually see the heartbeat and at one point he actually yelled at me to look the arm was moving, couldn't I see the arm moving, he was holding still did I see it now? then he turned to S. and said get me the high res. machine NOW.

It ended well, she is fine, I am fine, S. cried but I have no doubt that she too will be okay and D. asked if she could spank the baby when she is born. I spent the next eight hours being monitored, most of it with S. holding the monitor in place because this baby would just not cooperate with anyone. I had a bio-feedback done and it was perfect, I was evaluated by Doc No-Personality (mat.fetal spec.) and after all that I was sent home, changed but fine. I pray those are the longest 30 minutes I ever feel; I know there are no guarantees. I had been skeptical and at arms distance this whole pregnancy until that day. It was only then I understood that no matter how hard I tried to be logical about everything my heart was in deep.

I could want all the distance in the world but there is no space in parenting and that is more than fine with me. 

31 weeks

You have all been so patient I feel you deserve some pictures of my ever widening girth. These were taken on New Year's Eve and yes I dressed like a disco ball on purpose.

Happy New Year!

 
 

Purple Roses

It happened at Costco. I was just trying to waddle through the crowds and there in the flower section was bouquet after bouquet of purple roses, they were your favorite. I stopped and stared for a moment and let my mind wander. What would it be like if you were still here? Would I have to decided between you and mom for the holidays? Would you spoil S.? Would you think me irresponsible for having a second baby so soon? Would you be proud? Would you notice the purple roses in a small vase in your guest room?

It has been 18 years since our last Christmas morning together and I miss you more this year than any other.

Not what I intended to write...

I logged on to my google reader tonight, after a long day of car travel, with great excitement, a few bloggers I have been following since my days at the Lost and Found table are expecting babies and I hoped someone had popped over the weekend.

In truth I started following Cece because she was on my list of people, I kept following her because she was fun to read, so different from me and yet so very much in the same boat; we both WANTED a baby. I am lame and have no hobbies, Cece knits and bakes and decorates and remodels, she is crafty and smart and sweet leaving me kind messages and overall just rocking. We both became pregnant within weeks of each other me via IUI and her IVF she was due before me and had Hulk via C-section. When she found out that she was pregnant with spontaneous twins due right around the time of her son's first birthday I couldn't believe it, I may have even giggled and thought that could never happen to me.

Needless to say finding myself in a different but similar spontaneous situation just a few months later had me running to her blog for comfort and another dose of Cece's can-do spirit.

She gave birth to beautiful twin girls on the 29Th of November and it is with the heaviest heart that I say one of her daughter's Nora passed away on Friday the day before Hulk's first birthday. I am writing this in the hope that you will go over to her site and offer words of love, encouragement and hope and also congratulations to Hulk on hitting a very major milestone. I haven't always been the best at leaving comments but as we all know they are verbal gold in times of need. Please go now and share your kindness and love with someone who has always taken time to share herself with us.

To clarify again:

I used the wrong terms in my last post, what I suffered from was really more of a postpartum anxiety than depression. I have had anxiety for many years and the characteristics I displayed after the birth of my first child fell more into that of anxiety. Postpartum anxiety is the lesser known cousin to PPD, I was so tired of trying to explain to my family and friends what was wrong with me (anxiety? huh? isn't it just depression women suffer from post birth? NO) that I just let them think it was mild PPD when really it was raging anxiety. I am sorry I was not clear about this in my first post or even in the update that followed. I have anxiety, not depression, I am not on medication, I did take medication when I was 18 after I was attacked for PTSD. I have a great team of doctors, friends and family who are here for me. I am not a doctor, please consult your physician.

Also please quit sending me mean email, this is exactly why I said nothing for over a year and why other women suffer in silence, if you want to disagree with me then fine but do so in the comments don't be a coward and hide behind email. I am not advocating or putting down medication I am simply telling the story of my life.

Silly Girl *Updated*

"This is the biggest thing you are going to do for awhile"

Famous last words spoken to me by my doctor at my six week post-partum appointment, I was sitting there crying telling him I must have made a huge mistake, I am so not cut out for this new "lifestyle" which by the way is crap at that point there was no life let alone one with style.

I wanted a baby so badly, more than I wanted anything it was a craving that ran so deep and it only increased with every passing negative cycle or loss. The more the universe seemed to resist the more I shoved right back demanding to have it my way. When I finally won and had my positive beta I thought to myself, ahhhh the hard part is over.

Silly girl.

I had a very long and rough pregnancy with S. filled with the highest of highs and lowest of lows I kept telling myself I just had to make it through one more week and then the next week I would tell myself one more, I could do it I had to do it because in my heart of hearts I knew all I had to do was cross the finish line, as soon as that placenta was out of me the pregnancy was over and I could relax, the hard part would be over.

Silly girl.

I hadn't worried to much about post-partum depression, which seems downright foolish to me given the fact that I have like six of the five (yes you are reading that correctly, I believe that neurotic should be on the list as well) warning signs. My second night in the hospital was so bad I had to be mildly sedated; I was beside myself with panic and fear. Every time my eyes would shut I would have these horrific dreams that they took my baby and my husband had left and I was all alone in the same place where I had been alone one year and fifty weeks earlier. I called my mother hysterical beginning her to come telling her I hated her for not being there, how could she choose C. over me (a side note: my sister was undergoing experimental chemo at the time my mother had used the last of her vacation to be with her during her treatment, something I had told everyone I was fine with because I had really thought I would be fine with it, also we discovered that I cannot take the drug perc*et as it cause these horrible nightmare hallucinations) she promised me she would get in the car first thing in the morning and drive here, she would be here. Even as she said it I knew it was a lie to calm me down I knew she wouldn't be able to be there but I didn't care it was what I needed to hear and so it was said.

I cried everyday for the first two weeks, I was moody and irrational and I wanted to send back this beautiful baby, this baby I would have sold my soul to have, I wanted my old life back. I told my doctor these things and before I had finished he stopped me and said it wasn't my fault this is chemistry not the baby or Duke or myself that I really had no control over it. He wrote me a scrip and told me that I would have to stay on the drugs until spring. I was relieved anything to stop this feeling I was having, anything so that I could look at my daughter and not feel guilt and remorse. I took the first pill and figured that was that it was up to the pills and my brain to sort out this battle and all I could do was sit back and wait. Apparently I am one of the lucky people in this world who become manic on a certain set of anti-depressants, these pills made me so high so fast it was frightening - for everyone. I immediately quit taking them (under the advice of my doctor) the other drug option for me would have impacted my ability to breastfeed (which is a whole other post/topic/beast) so I chose to wait another two weeks until my post-op appointment. I was very closely monitored during this time between Duke and my doctor and my family. By six weeks I still felt on edge all the time but I had begun to at least miss S. when I was away from her, I felt less resentment at my life being so obliterated; don't get me wrong I was still overwhelmed and distracted and quiet crazy but I at least felt like I was going to make it somehow. This went on for the next five months and it wasn't really until I quit nursing (another story another time) that I felt a tiny part of myself even out and come back to life. It wasn't until nine months after giving birth that I started to feel true joy at the tiny moments, I appreciated them but the joy wasn't there. I have embraced all of these moments but now I do so with such overwhelming joy and gratitude that I find I have tears for a different reason.

I was quiet for so many months on this blog space, how do you say that the one thing you wanted more than anything you wanted to send back. This wasn't a sweater this was a human, my tiny beautiful daughter that I would do anything for; then and now. I was embarrassed and could never find the right words, even now they don't feel adequate to fully described how it was. I am choosing now to write about this because having S. was supposed to be the biggest thing I would do for a long while and as we all know this isn't the case, I am doing another big thing in 14 weeks and I am scared this time.

I have hope that it will be different, not as scary as the first time, but I have real and true fear that it will be the same only worse because I will now have S and this new baby. The difference is that I won't be quiet about it this time; I won't sweep it under the rug and pretend all is well. I will take the time to heal and if nothing else I will lean on you, my Internet family, because whether you have crossed the bridge from infertile hell or you are still stuck on the island we all know what that fear feels like and we all know it becomes a little less when we have each other.

Goodbye Silly Girl.

*Updated*

I just want to clarify that I did not/am not taking drugs for the post partum troubles I suffered, this in no way shape or form to imply that pharmaceuticals are not helpful to some people, they were not an option for me in my case. I repeat drugs rock but only if they help you and in my case there was more harm then good. As always I am not a doctor I just play one for my family on google please consult your physician before making any decision about your health or medications you may be on. I am not advocating in any way that people should just "tough it out" when it comes to PPD or even the baby blues as stated on my about page this is my story and mine alone, I'm selfish that way.

 

Happy Birthday Sasha!

I can't believe it has already been a year. Being your mom is the most amazing ride, thank you for being our daughter.

You are my greatest joy.

day one

month one

month two

 

month three

month four

month five

month six

month seven

month eight

month nine

month ten

month eleven

month twelve

We are so in love with the little person you are becoming and so proud of you.

Happy Birthday Baby!

 

Happy Birthday! from DuchessMama on Vimeo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 

 

We are having a........19w2d Updated!

GIRL!!!!!

Everything looks perfect, perfect heart, perfect pinky, perfect nose. We are thrilled to bits to add a little more noise and whole lot of sunshine to our home come March. 

A Sea of Green

All is alive and well here.

I am 14w 3d and still am puking my brains out. I am on 8mg of Z*fran every six hours around the clock and I am having moments of over the moon excitement not only about the baby but about the fact that I will never have to be pregnant again. Julia wrote a very nice post about me a few weeks ago in which she talked about how stories like mine in general make people like me want to tear my hair out, if I had a dollar for every time I was told to relax, just adopt or relax some more I would be zany rich. Hell if I had a dollar for every person who has said, "See you just needed to relax this time" I could buy ammunition to take them out.

Your comments and emails have buoyed me over the last month and a half. You have made this easier to deal with and you have put my fears at ease. This pregnancy is very different from my one with S. less complications better overall placement and size, HR in the 160's, great results from the quad screen, less weight loss (which is a miracle considering I am still tossing my cookies 3-4 times a day- on the Z*fran).

I find this so surreal still, there is a small person the size of my fist growing and changing inside me everyday, a small person who has already defied every odd every doctor I have ever seen has set, a small person who is going to come careening into our lives and enrich them beyond our wildest dreams.

At 14 weeks things are sailing along, sure I am still seasick but my legs finally seem to be back under me.

I hope your sitting down....

I'm Pregnant.

How are you feeling? Do you need a glass of water? Just breathe deeply; I myself could use a whole bottle of vodka.

Are you ready for the super gut kicker...I am 9w1d. This means I conceived just days before my D&C and implantation occurred just days after. I have been feeling sick for weeks but blamed it one thing or another seeing as how I had not had sex since the D&C there was no way I could be pregnant. When I actually threw my cookies on Sunday and then again on Monday I knew something was wrong so I called the Doctor.

They told me he would not order a beta because there was such one in a billion odds that I could be pregnant, he would however test my iron and other hormone levels, the nurse called me around two on Monday and said the lab sheet was ready for me whenever. I loaded S. into the car in 100 degree weather with her pissed and me exhausted and drove all the way across town to pick up the lab sheet, I get down to the lab and they inform me that I would need to fast before being drawn.

Now totally pissed that the nurse had me drive all the way over there to turn around and drive home and come back the next day I stomped back upstairs and promptly lost my shit, I was quickly shoved ushered into an exam room and told a nurse would be with me shortly.

She came in and I just started to cry, I told her how awful I felt and that I have only ever felt this way twice and BOTH times I was pregnant. I told her I was mad that they wouldn't test me, it is my nickel after all and if I want to throw it away on a blood test what do they care? She said she would speak to Doc Bowtie and be right back with me.

I then sat there shaking, what if I was right? Could we survive another ectopic as there was no way (famous last thought) this could be viable. How stupid am I? What was I thinking? I tried to tell myself to calm down but I already had hives on my chest and was shaking. Nurse "I so don't believe you" came back into my room and told me they would do a urine test, you know just so I would calm down. I went and did my business and less than 3 minutes later she returned to the room, "The Doctor will be in to see you shortly, I'm so sorry"

I knew this meant I would have to have surgery; I am not a candidate for the methotrexate shots. I switched into emergency mode and began to try and get a hold of Duke so he could come and take S. and drop her off at his parent's. I called my work and told them I had a medical emergency and as soon as I knew how long I would be gone I would call and update them. Doc Bowtie had to run off and deliver a baby so I had to wait a little over an hour to have an ultrasound.

At this point Duke had arrived and taken S. to play down the hall so I was alone with Nurse Super Love and Doc Bowtie, we started the ultrasound and his jaw dropped, there in my uterus was a small 8w6d embryo, heart beating, arm buds waving bouncing around.

I started to hyperventilate.

This is not what we had planned and yes I do know how babies are made. Duke is over the moon with excitement and I feel lost and alone and overwhelmed. I had a horrible pregnancy with S. followed by an even worse postpartum. I am considered a threatened miscarriage again because I have been bleeding on and off.

I want to be happy, I know how special this is, we had decided within the last few weeks that we would not cycle again and instead we would just enjoy the gift we have with S. I wish I could shake this feeling that I have done something so wrong. I feel like I have robbed S. of her babyhood and irrevocably changed our lives for ever.

I feel overwhelmed and alone and sad and guilty and stupid. Then I feel even guiltier for feeling all of those things, I should be happy, I should be over the moon after all we went through to have S.

I have been trying to think of how to write this for the last two days wanting to tread carefully for those who are still in the trenches, for those who would kill to find out they were pregnant. In truth this is my space about my life, good, bad and ugly. I understand if some feel angry about how I feel, I am angry at myself for feeling this way but this is my place to be honest and so honest I will be.

I need support and maybe a hug and someone to tell me it will be okay and that I haven’t ruined everything and that it’s okay that I just want to cry and not jump up and down today, that I will get there and we will make it.