The Duchess

Alive and maybe kicking

Sorry for my lack of posting, things have been rolling right along around here. I am 14w1d, I am showing now and some of the vomiting has started to subside, the nausea is still here but manageable when combined with phenergan. I had my second OB appointment on Monday and everything looks good I was down another two pounds bringing the total loss to 15 pounds but fear not I have gained six inches in my waist. Real pants are a thing of the past.

I have several things I want to write about; my Nanna and Poppa, the 10th anniversary of the day I was attacked, a new career move, and marriage. However at the moment I need to catch up on my goggle reader which has 174 new items, I have been a very bad clicker (sorry Mel!) and must catch up. After that I promise to return to dazzle you with my wit and charm.

An update of sorts

I apologize for my lack of updates; all is well and quiet for the most part in the kingdom. My Nanna took a very nasty fall that landed her in the ICU last week so last weekend Duke and I drove to Portland Saturday night so I could see her on Sunday. She has a shattered pelvis, broken ribs, a broken cheek bone and two separate brain bleeds that seem to have stopped on their own. She has a comfort measures only DNR and it is more than likely she will never leave the hospital. I have a lot to say about my Nanna (I know this may seem spelled wrong but in my family we spelled it Nanna and instead of Grandpa we call him Poppa) but that will be saved for another day.

I had my first regular OB appointment on Monday and as of last Saturday there has been no more bleeding - nothing! I was worried it would start again after my exam and cultures were done but there was absolutely nothing. Puking however continues to be my favorite and only pastime. I have lost about 14 pounds and this is with eating every two hours. However with that being said I can no longer button my regular pants...they are loose everywhere except my lower abdomen SO I stole Duke's jeans and while they are a little big they pass as acceptable for the time being and they are made by seven which are like my old ones.

So all in all the last week has been a little bad a little good and a lot of normal life which is a relief. Duke and I are going on vacation for 10 days starting on Tuesday, first we start with three days in Miami at this hotel and then we head to Cancun and 7 wonderful days at this resort. I am not sure the laptop situation but if I can I will update.

Have a happy Friday and a wonderful weekend.

No Words

I have tried for days to write this post and in the end I decided to check my Google reader instead. Emily at Not That You Asked has written a post about their dear friends Brian and Katie who has a beautiful 16 month old daughter who was just diagnosed, operated on and will soon begin a very invasive course of treatment. All of the details are over at Emily's and there is a huge Donate button on the left. There has already been a huge outpouring of support but as we all know there can never be enough love and in the world of medical treatments there can never be enough money. Please, please, please click over and give - whether it be kind words, prayers or monetarily.

It was a very rough week here in the kingdom, on Tuesday night I began bleeding very heavily and bright with small clots. I phoned Doc Wonder and he said if I began filling a pad every hour I was to head straight to the ER and he explained that if I started to pass tissue what I should look for and that I needed to come in first thing in the morning.

I made it through the night and when I went in the next morning we started the ultrasound - first with the screen turned away from me. To say it was tense in the room was an understatement; I don't think any of us were breathing. Doc Wonder's exhalation was actually audible and he swung the screen towards me. There was our baby bouncing around with a heart rate of 189. Moving its arm buds up to its face and kicking its tiny leg buds. I was shocked, the nurse was shocked, and the doc was shocked. He commented that the baby was picking "her"(we switch at each visit) nose to which I replied that was a Duke trait and then he said, "This is one tough kid Duchess, I have to be honest I was very worried."

Yeah, that toughness, she gets that from me.

We could find no source for the bleeding and no current blood flow going where it shouldn't be. Growth is right on track and I was sent home to relax. I am on complete vaginal rest until further notice - which I had already been on since week seven. I am officially 9w0d today and every single day feels like a small victory.

Simply the best

There are really no words to express my gratitude for all of the comments on that last post. I am trying to take a new attitude that I am doing everything I can to have a healthy and successful pregnancy. If something is going to go wrong my body will let me know, once again I am faced with the lesson of letting go of control. To be honest until Melanie commented about her friable cervix I hadn't even thought of that - I bleed after pap smears, IUI, physical exams and sometimes sex. I have had a very friable cervix in the past and I can't believe I didn't draw the line before now. This is exactly why I love comments so much.

With that being said I have written a letter to Doc Wonder about his picture comment. I fully agree again with Melanie and Julia that women whose babies are dying need pictures just as much if not more than ones who are not. If I had a penny for every time I took out the pictures of my ectopic and looked at them and thought about the time that surrounded that loss I could pay for a trip to the moon. In fact it was only right before this last cycle that I removed them from my nightstand and put them in a safer place. I still keep the small plush bear that they gave to me in the hospital on my bed - I look at it and I remember everyday. Without having these small tokens of remembrance I can promise you my grieving process would have been much different and far less complete. I wrote all that and more in my letter and while I have no doubt that he was just trying to put me at ease and meant no harm, for all I know that was a lie he told me, he needs to know that it is important and very necessary.

I am so not a fan. **Updated**

Has it really been five days since I posted? I have been so busy doing fun and exciting things such as puking and spotting that the time has just flown by. Yes, you read that correctly I am spotting again. It started on Sunday and has been getting progressively worse since then. I have an appointment with Doc Wonder in an hour. At least then we will have some answers.

**Updated**

Everything with the baby looks fine heart-rate was 173 and the baby has almost doubled in size from five days ago. There is bleeding coming from my cervix but my cervix looks fine and the ultrasound did not show any standing or free blood. My uterus was peaceful - no cramping coming from there and I was told in all likelihood that the cramping was from ligaments and ovaries. In all respects if you have to have bleeding this is the bleeding you want. Doc Wonder offered me another picture and told me that he only gives pictures when things are okay. No sense giving someone another picture of their dead/dying baby. It seemed a little harsh to say that but it was also really comforting (what can I say I like straight shooters) What I want to know is when does pregnancy gets easier? So tell me Internets, when did you relax in your pregnancy?

Worth a million words

Ultrasound #2

The ultrasound looked perfect this morning. A perfect yolk sac and bouncing baby bean with a heart rate of 153 bpm.

To say that we are thrilled is an understatement of gigantic proportions. Doc Wonder reports that the spotting is nothing and there was none visible today. I am officially being released to an OB this week. We also discussed my mounting levels of anxiety and my options at this point for handling it. I am going to try and call upon my skills of meditation and regular sleep and exercises and eating. I have been lacking in all three as of the last week and have been paying dearly with rolling anxiety/panic attacks. If I still don't have it under control at 13, 14 weeks we will talk about other options.

All in all I feel like a woman who has been pardoned. Today is a good day.

Because we share everything

I started having some spotting around 3:00 am this morning. Doc Wonder said we should still wait until tomorrow to do the ultrasound, you know because if something is going horribly wrong there is nothing they can do.

This fucking sucks.

I asked for this.

I am still pregnant, this is a fact that seems to shock me more and more everyday. The newest chapter in this saga is the fact that I am sick again. I have this achy flu feeling in my body and a horrible hacking cough and I can't hear out of my left ear I am also trying my best to keep my fever under 100. I have not been sick this much since I was 12. Then you have the morning sickness which is bullshit because it lasts 24 hours a day - everyday. So far the only thing I have kept down is water, Gatorade, soda crackers and a cheeseburger with pickles.

San Diego was beautiful, I however spent most of my time in the many bathrooms the hotel had to offer. The one day I felt well enough to venture out and about I went to the pool. It was cloudy and kind of cold, super windy off and on but I sat out there and read my book and then feel asleep and woke up a lobster. I have only really ever sunburned twice, I have pretty nice medium olive skin so it is usually not a problem but I am burnt so bad that my nose has blistered along with my shoulders.

So there you have it, I am sick, burnt and puking.

My next ultrasound is on Thursday.

Ultrasound #1

Sorry for my lack of promised updates yesterday. It would appear that there is a nice yolk sac and fetal pole apparently my math was off and I was 5w4d yesterday...a little early to see a heartbeat - I hope. I hope that that is just not what he told me to keep me calm.

In another related note the puke fest has begun, I am not a tosser by nature so I am most displeased by this current change. Also today was my first day back at the gym and it felt AMAZING! I did some water aerobics and it was rather soothing but hard at the same time, it is definitely not the same high as running but it will do for now.

I am off to get a mani/pedi before Duke and I head off to San Deigo to stay at this fabulous hotel for the next four days.